How to Hire a Nanny Who Won’t Steal Your Family and Murder You

Based on a lifetime of Lifetime Original Movies.

1. Look for a great resume. You need a nanny who can take on some of the work of raising a small child while you’re on bed rest with your second pregnancy. Like Katie, your first and only interviewee, who worked for an ambassador’s family and is fluent in French AND Dutch. She seems like a dream come true!
2. Make sure they have a winning personality. Katie is always so cheerful, and she cooks and cleans without you even asking. She says she just likes being around a loving family, since she grew up as an orphan.
3. Of course, you’ll want to make sure your nanny gets along well with your child. Katie says she loves little Danny like he was her own son! Her own son…
4. You’ll want your partner to like them, too. Your husband, Mark, thinks Katie’s been a great help for you, especially now that you’re going into your third trimester and can’t run around after Danny as much. You even saw them laughing together about an inside joke one night when you went to get more wine. They seem to be getting along like gangbusters!
5. It might seem silly, since everything is going so well, but you should check your nanny’s references. That’s odd, the number she gave for the ambassador’s family is disconnected. Better ask Katie about it. Oh, it turns out they moved back to Genovia, but she says she can try to find their new number, although, since it’s a matter of international security, it might be difficult. Mark says you’re overthinking this, so you drop it.
6. Drive to the address your nanny put on her resume. Something is just bothering you about her. She seems to be sleeping over more and more, and the other day you saw her looking at herself in the mirror rubbing her stomach like she was pretending to be pregnant. Oh shit, the address is just an abandoned baseball field. Fuck.
7. Talk to your husband about your concerns. Mark doesn’t think Katie would do anything wrong. While you’re arguing, Katie walks in and tearfully explains that she doesn’t have a place to live since she got kicked out of her old apartment. Mark offers that she can move into the spare bedroom. You’re furious with him.
8. Something still doesn’t feel right. You finally Google “Genovian ambassador.” You find out that Genovia is actually the made-up country from the 2001 Anne Hathaway movie The Princess Diaries. There WAS no ambassador. You tell Mark, and confront Katie together. It turns out, that’s not even her real name — or hair color! She begs you to stay anyway, says this was the only way she could get a job, and it’s the happiest she’s ever been, being a part of a real family. But Mark is on your side this time, and you both put your feet down. Katie leaves for good.
9. It’s two months later, and things are back to normal. You changed the locks, and installed a home security system. You’re at home alone with your new baby when you hear a creak from the spare bedroom. You go to investigate — did you leave that window open? Odd. You close it and go back downstairs, and find Katie, wild-eyed, holding your baby. She puts the baby down on your granite kitchen island, but takes your chef’s knife from the knife block. You grab a fire poker from the fireplace, because you’re the kind of upper middle class white woman who has one. You fight for your baby’s life, rolling over furniture, crawling on the floor, using all your strength, to finally stop Katie with a blow to the head.
10. You get up and catch your breath — but wait, where’s her body? From behind you, Katie lunges at you with the knife — only to drop to the floor, dead. Mark showed up just in time with your cast iron frying pan. “I’ll never doubt your instincts again,” he says, and wraps you up in a warm hug. Your family has survived. You know, maybe daycare is a better option for you after all.

THE END.