My Lowest Points of 2020

We’re entering that time in December when everyone shares their accomplishments from the past year: pieces they’ve published, projects they’ve completed, exciting new gigs they nailed. Well, I’m here to say that I don’t want to hear about any of it. Haven’t we suffered enough this year without having to bear witness to other people’s success?

In that spirit, I’d like to share my absolute lowest points of 2020, so that you might find comfort and joy in my misery. Auld Lang Syne, bitches.

• New Year’s Eve, when I had a cold and was too sick to go out and party. I should’ve known something was off then.
• When I bought a 2020 planner. Not a good investment.
• When I got laid off in January. Oh yeah. I was ahead of the curve.
• When Tom Hanks got Covid.
• When Tom Hanks got Covid and it didn’t change people’s behavior at all.
• When I thought lockdown was only going to last like two months. Ha! Haha! Ha…
• When I lost ten pounds in March and nobody noticed because I was inside the whole time.
• When I gained all ten pounds back, because I’ve been inside the whole time… eating.
• When I decided I was going to read Anna Karenina and only made it 100 pages… out of 900.
• Every time that I took more than one nap per day.
• Every time that I fed my online shopping addiction.
• Every single morning when I still check my horoscope to see what the stars have in store for me, even though I don’t leave the house.
• The time I wore the same exercise leggings for four days in a row without even exercising.
• The time I almost bought a sequin mask for “formal occasions.”
• The time I asked my husband if he could tell that I was sweating underneath my mask and he said “yes.”
• When I tried to give my husband a home haircut and took out a chunk of his hair and he had to pretend like it was no big deal because he’s a nice guy.
• When my Sims family’s accomplishments started to outshine mine.
• When I logged hour 300 of playing Stardew Valley and I still couldn’t win the stupid Easter egg hunt.
• When I realized I’d spent more time talking to my Animal Crossing villagers than my actual friends.
• When I cried at the end of Happiest Season.
• When I cried at the end of Dash & Lily.
• When I cried at the end of The Queen’s Gambit. I cried… about chess.
• When I found out my husband had watched all of Emily in Paris without me. Who does that?
• When my leg hair grew so long that I could feel it rustling in the breeze.
• When I decided four o’clock was late enough to start drinking… every day.
• When I cashed my final unemployment check.
• Every time that I woke up with a hangover because I got drunk over Zoom.
• When I wrote a list of the lowest points of my year and came up with a whopping 28 items.